I love you, Jeremy

Jeremy got me this cause he thought I should have somebody to sleep with too.  The red heart goes inside the bear and vibrates like a real heartbeat.  It was a wonderful gift and incredibly comforting.  He did more taking care of me than I did of him...

I love you, Jeremy,
my first-born son.

There was a time
when I would have said
"more than life itself",
but I have been close enough
to death to want it for myself
as an escape from pain -
and even you weren't enough to keep me going...
although you were also the reason I stayed
in the world.
But sometimes I definitely resented
having to stay...

I pushed you away emotionally,
cut you off from me with too many long baths,
too many naps, and hiding behind my books or my writing.

How many times have I said
"I need to take a nap" or " you can do it yourself"???
It didn't take too long
before you didn't even try to reach me -
you got used to "the look".

Not too many days ago,
I woke up before you did.
After conquering the fear enough
to check if you were still breathing,
I got dressed. I made breakfast. A real breakfast.
You came out, eyes and mouth wide open...
"Mommy, are you really staying up?".

Oh my little son, has it been that bad?

All that day,
I marveled at your growth and development.
Where did the time go and where had I been?
As I watched you play,
I wondered what it was
that made me so afraid of loving you.
I suppose I was trying to protect myself
from hurting again in case I lost you too.
But now I know I can't be afraid of losing you
and to stop wasting this time we do have together.
It broke my heart that day to see your gratitude
at any little attention from me -
"Are you happy now, Mommy?".

Honey, I'm so sorry.
I saw your look of fear on another day,
when I went back to bed,
but I managed to pull myself out of it,
because you had become important to me again.

We're having a hard time
re-establishing a mother-child relationship,
you're so used to being a little man.
All this attention and discipline
is wearing both of us out, but we'll find our way eventually.

You're learning to believe in me again -
I think it will get better from now on,
no more months away from life and you.





















I love you, Jeremy, I really, really do.


September 2012 Extra Note - And I'm so so sorry, SonOne.  I love you more than I can say.

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