Suicide

Suicide

My hand was stayed at first by guilt,
I believed what I had been taught,
suicide is a sin in the eyes of the Lord.

I believed what others told me -
suicide is wrong, selfish, lazy and crazy.
But then guilt wasn't enough.
The sin of suicide didn't scare me;
as far as I was concerned,
life alive was a living Hell,
and I didn't think eternal hell
could be any worse.
And besides, the last thing
I needed was to be told constantly
that my feelings were wrong,
selfish and crazy.
I just wanted out.
My baby was dead,
and evidently, in living,
I was a bad person
and I was selfish,
crazy and lazy to boot.
Crazy I believed.

Luckily, the conflict
between right or wrong protected me,
the attempts doomed for failure,
becoming desperate calls for help instead.
Safely past danger now,
my conflict is over, the debate ended.
I cannot believe
God didn't understand.
I cannot imagine Him saying
"off to hell with her,
she should have come to me
for comfort,
but she chose her own way
and now must be punished".

No, my God
would have held me.

.