Tommy Lee

Tommy Lee - A baby

Tommy Lee was a special baby to me
cause he made me remember,
and therefore, he was a hard baby for me.
I picked him up, grabbed his bottle
and adjusted him in my arms.
Then I looked at him, and knew he was my kind of baby.
The nurses hadn't yet clued me in -
they tried to warn me, concerned
if there was a Spina Bifida baby
on the Pediatric floor. 
He were my first surprise and they were right.

I would have been okay
if a familiar lady doctor hadn't come in just then
and remembered me and my son.

I would have been just fine
if a familiar therapist hadn't come in and cried,
missing my baby too, at seeing me there with Tommy Lee.
She said it took her breath away when she walked in.

I would have been just perfect
if a familiar respiratory therapist hadn't come in,
and asked why I looked so familiar.
"I used to have a baby up here, and you used to thump him", I said.
"Oh" she says, "how is he?". "He's dead", I say.
"OH!" she says, she's so sorry, she didn't know.
"Thank you" I say. Dead silence. It was too much. I fled.

I would not have cried so much
if I hadn't run into a favorite nurse
who remembered the month of May
wasn't the easiest time of year for me.
Everyone's kindness at remembering
made it hurt all the more.
I wanted to appear strong,
so they wouldn't chase me off the pediatric floor,
thinking this volunteering was too much for me.
But Tommy Lee got to me.

I would have been okay
if he hadn't weighed the same as Jacob's birth weight;
reminding me that I was unable to remember his newborn days.
I would have been just fine
if Tommy Lee's eyes hadn't been blue
or if he hadn't just started to smile.

I would have been just perfect
if I hadn't met the mother
and recognized the phony wall of strength
that made her believe she didn't need or want support.

She was single, fighting with the father,
and had a 2-year old at home,
and she was on welfare. Talk about de-ja-vue.

I dropped out for awhile.
No more babies for me.
I'll just take the summer off
but then I started to miss the babies, so I went back.

I would be just perfect right now
if this wasn't the month of August,
and if I hadn't just learned
that Tommy Lee's mother
had just given him up for adoption.

I would have been the perfect mom for him....
.