Jacob Smiled

Jacob Smiled

They put the fear
of mothering a vegetable
in me before he was born.
As a result - there was a conflict.
My instant love vs. sensibility, responsibility, ability.

It's funny how mother love can change things,
for he was perfect to me.
It always surprised me when a doctor
or therapist spoke of concerns concerning hearing, sight, intelligence.

It didn't matter to me - as long as he smiled and knew who I was.

I wondered why they didn't just ask me how I felt about him.

It seemed they needed reassurance far more than I did.

But what was it that I saw?
I'll never really know or understand,
or at least I'll never be able to find the right words to explain.
I just know that I have never loved anyone so perfectly.
Yes, I loved Jeremy the same,
but my hopes and dreams and expectations for him
made me make mistakes too often.  
Expectations - the ruin-er of unconditional love.
I expected Jeremy to walk, talk, and potty train
by a certain age, and I would push, and prod
to make him meet my expectations.
I think most mothers would know what I mean.
Nothing negative... just expectations.  Sorta.

But with Jacob, I knew not to have expectations.
That every thing he did, IF he did... would be a gift. 
He was unconditional love staring me in the face.

He had a label even before he was born,
but I waited for the first smile - cause vegetables don't smile.

2009 Extra Note - I have felt guilty for the line
"I have never loved anyone so perfectly", because of course, 
I loved Jeremy to the moon and back, but it was different. 
I had to raise him to be a good person, teach him manners, 
know right from wrong, etc. etc. etc.  
There were expectations on me to do that, 
so I had expectations of him learning all that I had to teach.  
And then there was discipline.  
With Jacob, all I did was love him 
because I still hadn't grasped how the hell
I was going to raise him.  
I couldn't imagine a future with him, 
so I was free of all the expectations 
a parent has for their child, 
and so all I did was love him.  
I wonder now... if I subconsciously 
knew we wouldn't have much time together? 
.