Kelly

Kelly

I still need you -
I'm afraid to go to someone else.
It took us so long to get where we needed to be,
and we were only beginning,
to get to the guts of Jacob.
We looked at and solved many other things,
partly because I needed to,
and partly because the other things were safer than Jacob.

Funny - I began to talk about Jacob
only after I decided to move away.

About Jacob.
His name is becoming nearly sacred,
and I have a feeling that's not healthy.

I gave you my poems,
only to refuse to talk about it.
You said you cried after only a few pages,
and I felt panic at the thought
that you might finally understand
why it was so hard to talk about it.
I was afraid you'd pronounce me cured,
as far as it was possible
to be cured from losing a child.

I didn't want you to understand,
or talk about it,
because that meant getting better,
it meant letting go.

And I didn't understand "letting go".
Until I understand what letting go means,
and what the benefits are, I will not.

It just doesn't feel safe.
.