Death Wish

Death Wish

Why this fascination for death?
The constant pull?
Mine is not for feeling sorry for myself reasons,
meant to find out who really cares
or to make somebody pay for all the pain I've been in.

So why this wanting to die?
Driving by the river,
feeling it's flow,
the pull of life underneath.
My hands grip the steering wheel
as I remind myself
of earthly responsibilities to Jeremy.

But then I think of Jacob.
Is my love for him no less?
I feel as deep a need to be with Jacob,
wherever he is,
as much as I need to be with Jeremy.
My family is not together
and I am torn in two once again,
as we were during the days
in the hospital.
Two of them and only one of me,
it's not enough.
I love them both,
the little one, so small and helpless,
and the big one,
trying to be so grown up
for his mommy and little brother.

Jeremy is alive
and I can see that he is okay.
Maybe the longing,
the pull of the river
is a searching to know.
Where is Jacob?
Did it hurt to die?
Did he need me to say goodbye?
Is he safe and warm?
Does he think I left him?
Does he think I'm ignoring him?

I need to know what dying was like -
to know that it wasn't horrible to die alone.
To know that he's really okay,
and better off where he is,
rather than in my arms.

I need to give
my mother's stamp of approval
on death for my baby.
Mother love cannot believe,
cannot release until I know
he's really better off dead.
I want to give wherever he is
an inspection and give it an A+
until I can take my proper place with him.

I want us all together, one way or another.
.