March 1984

March 1984

Dream

I knew my baby was dying and I promised him that I would not leave him while he still needed me. I promised to hold him as long as it took. But it got too hard on me to watch his life drain away and I left him alone on the sheepskin. I returned to find him writhing with pain, getting himself into the most horrible pretzel-like positions possible. I grabbed him up, and he would calm down instantly, dramatically telling me how much he needed me to be with him. As I untangled his body, and promised I wouldn't leave, he would smile peacefully and close his eyes, preparing to die again. But I would panic and leave him again. Over and over. The dream never ends, he never finishes dying because I kept leaving him alone - in pain.