Paradox

Paradox

What a paradox I find myself in,
so angry with God,
rebelling at His presence in my life,
refusing to cooperate with His will,
refusing even to acknowledge it.

I prefer to make sinful bargains, instead:
"Take me, too, or give me my baby back".
Then I'll cooperate, start listening,
become the gracious Christian again.

I resent human implications
that the devil is winning
the battle I'm fighting,
that he's the cause of my anger
and my doubts. I have a mind of my own.
I am not a pawn pushed
back and forth on a chessboard
between the Lord and the devil.
They should settle their differences
between themselves.

I resent good vs. evil
continually preached at me,
that my negativity, denial,
anger is the work of the devil -
it is the work of grief,
and you are adding guilt
to my grief because
this isn't a religious matter anymore.

If it was, I would be lost.
But I am lost anyway,
because what I was just beginning to believe
doesn't feel true anymore.
.