I never ....

I never in my wildest dreams
thought he could die, for god's sake.
Unbelievable and just plain insane.
I was just worried about impending divorce,
stupid shunts that wouldn't work
in Jacob's head,
and being a good mom for both my boys.

Hydrocephalus and myelomeningocele
meant nothing to me.
He was my baby
and that was all there was to it.
Possible retardation, deafness
and will never walk?

Well, we'll just do the best we can.

It might be a little harder
under the circumstances,
but I began to know we could make it.

So, dear baby,
why did you take the doubts away,
convince me, make me rise to the challenge
during those times together
in front of the aquarium,
when I drank you in with my eyes and soul...
only to die?

Why replace my love
and growing confidence
with this hell of love and loss?

.