I spent so much time...

Dear Jacob,

I spent so much time attending to your physical needs, keeping up with the problems, that I didn't really appreciate the time we had. I kept telling myself "later, when things calm down", but now I wonder what I meant by that. I know I did my best most of the time, and you were happy. It was such an emotional time for me, and it was truly hard to make the adjustments you forced into my life. I was so busy trying to keep Jeremy involved with us so he wouldn't feel neglected, but more than anything else - I was just trying to keep our heads above water.

Despite the struggles, Jacob, there was never one instant when I didn't want YOU. In the beginning of the pregnancy, it was me I was hating, not you. I came around, sweetheart, and the last three months you were under my heart, you really grew IN my heart, too. The 3 1/2 months you were in my world were the happiest of my life. No one understands that very well, because of all the problems, but you filled up my world at a time when I desperately needed to be needed, and you made us a family again, you, your brother, and I.

Now, you're not here anymore, and I would give anything to have you back. I would do it all over again - holding you all the time because you loved it so much. I would let you sleep with me, despite your funny little noises. I wouldn't spend so much of our family time in the hospital, and I would ask more questions. And if I'd only known, Jacob, I would have laughed more. More than anything else, I wish I hadn't let everything get me down, so that when it came time for you to die, I would know that you had the best I could give you. My head knows that I did the best I could, but my heart wishes I had another chance to love you even better. I wish that we had had more time, for we were just beginning to "calm down", with confidence of survival and happiness. I never worried about you in the sense most people would expect, but I was sure worried about your mother. Every smile from you helped to convince me that we were going to make it, tho.

You're the one who taught me about loving unconditionally, about being a mother, about being a Christian. You were a new beginning, and a new life for me. You were everything to me, and some may say that is wrong, but, in retrospect, I'm glad you were now. Now I have to continue on with that new beginning without you, and it seems inconceivable.  Thank God for Jeremy. 

I love you, little one, and I'll try to make you proud of me.

Mom
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