The Day Before...

The Day Before

Jacob's been home for 2 1/2 weeks this time -
the longest yet.
He's doing better than ever;
I can feel it in my bones.
So I'm busy, busy, busy
making my house into a home.
Practicality comes back to my brain -
finally figured out that the diapers,
the diaper pail, and the cathing paraphernalia
should all be near the changing table,
rather than 3 different rooms.

I try to look thru Jacob's eyes -
hanging bright posters up wherever he is planted.
Rainbow makers in the windows
make dancing colors on the walls,
and a special spot for therapy.
Too busy moving furniture,
and cleaning to pay much attention to my children.

Finally, all done and exhausted -
his last feeding at 10:00pm
Hurry, little one, I'm tired.
But we watch the aquarium
in the darkness
and once again the peace enters my soul.
This was my favorite time with him
because it reminded me
of the white light I saw
the first time I saw him
after the c-section.  
We fall asleep in the rocking chair,
but his vomiting wakes me up.

That old familiar dread washes over me.
Please, baby, don't be sick again.
I started crying,
frustration,
worry, and exhaustion
settling back down into my body.
I held him up, face to face
and told him
"I'm NOT going to call the doctors tonight,
I don't want to let you go".

I cleaned us up -
threw the dirty clothes
in the handy dandy laundry basket,
and checked the bag meant for trips
back into the hospital...
Everything's there -
did such a good job
of organizing my life today.
.